Issue link: http://hvparent.uberflip.com/i/147357
we'd face when Sharon and I entered into a long-term committed relationship. However, there was one thing I had not counted on... Homophobia. Homophobia is alive and kickin' Although it hasn't been an easy journey, Marcia has learned to assert her role as a step-parent to Mollie and Jacob. husband had three children at the time of our marriage. After six years of marriage, I had a good sense of the general level of stress children can bring to any relationship. Defining your role is key In my heterosexual marriage, I had a clearly defined role. My role allowed me to develop a relationship with my step-children, exclusive of their father. Having a defined role provided the external world a way to relate to me, vis-à-vis the children. Over time we did become a family. I became mom; they became my children. Family, friends, teachers and ministers recognized us as a family. They acknowledged the integral role I played in co-parenting through my emotional and financial support. Given this experience, I thought I had a good grasp of the obstacles If there is one overriding difference between my experience as a step-parent in the context of a heterosexual marriage versus my current experience, it is the impact of homophobia. Homophobia stalks us. Like a shadow, its presence is always felt, covering every aspect of our lives. Its most obvious presence is in the context of social pressures to remain invisible for fear the children will be alienated, isolated and ridiculed by their peers. Underneath our obvious concerns, homophobia manifests itself in more subtle and insidious ways. One Saturday morning Mollie was ill. I hopped on the phone with her pediatrician's office, the next thing I know I hear myself say, "Hello, this is Sharon, I'm calling about my daughter Mollie." As I got off the phone Mollie, in her simplistic manner, asked, "Why didn't you say you were Marcia, Sharon's partner?" Why indeed... homophobia yet again. "It's just easier and we're in a hurry," I rationalized. But was it for expediency? Why couldn't I name myself as Sharon's partner or Mollie's step-parent? How do I explain that to Mollie or to myself? The next day I replayed that scenario over and over in my mind. I thought back to the times I phoned doctors regarding my former step-children. In those instances I confidently identified myself as their mother. Why this time do I participate in maintaining that veil of invisibility over my role as a lesbian step-parent? I tried to make myself believe that the situation was different now because Mollie and Jacob have a mother. Then a small voice in the back of my mind began to question, "Who am I in relation to Jacob and Mollie?" An invisible relationship As I reflected on that question, I realized that unlike my prior stepparenting role, this time around there is no name and no label that describes who I am in relation to Jacob and Mollie. With no name, our relationship remains invisible. This shroud of invisibility allows homophobia to silence us. Both within the family and the external world, my relationship to Jacob and Mollie are viewed only in the context of my relationship to Sharon. There is no way to acknowledge or validate my relationship to the children. (Continued on Page 20) HVParent.com Hudson Valley Parent 19